The North State Brewers' Cooperative

Contact: 315 N. State Street, Ann Arbor, MI 48104
nsbc@umich.edu

established 1997

humor /

Beer related jokes

Listed below:

• The Beer Prayer
• The Man Who Orders 3 Beers
• 10 Pints
• Adrift
• Irish Accident
• The Beer Convention
• There's a fly in my beer!
• Natural Selection
• 10 Reasons why Beer is Superior to Religion
• Beer Wisdom
• The Beer Song

External links:

• Unix-to-unix beer protocol
• If Operating Systems Were Beers

The Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
(I will be drunk),
At home as I am in the tavern,
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage's,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the lager,
Forever and ever,

Barmen...

3 beers

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.

This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening, he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender said to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.

10 Pints

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

Adrift

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth.

This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish--not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter,one man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"

Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Irish Accident

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tellya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

The Beer Convention

There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Carlsberg' orders a Carlsberg, and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks the guy from Guiness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, he orders a Coke! "Why don't you order a Guiness?" his colleagues ask. "Naah. If you lads won't drink beer, then neither will I."

There's a fly in my beer!

An englishman, american, and a canadian went to a pub for a beer. When the draft was delivered they each noticed a fly floating on top. The englishman pushed his draft away in disgust. "Bloody hell, I cannot drink such a mess!" The American shrugged and picked the fly out of his beer. He then proceeded to drink it. The canadian was very disturbed. He picked the fly up, shaking it and yelled, "Spit it out you bastard! Spit it out!"

Natural Selection

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. So that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!

10 Reasons why Beer is Superior to Religion

1. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
2. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
3. Beer has never caused a major war.
4. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
5. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
6. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
7. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
8. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
9. You can prove you have a Beer.
10. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

Beer Wisdom:

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--W.C. Fields

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
--His reply

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
--David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking class.
--Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee allot.
--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer.
--Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson

"The Beer Song"

(Do) Dough, greenbacks, the stuff that buys me beer.
(Re) Ray, the guy who sells me beer.
(Mi) Me, the one, the guy who drinks the beer.
(Fa) Far, a long way to my beer.
(So) So, I think I'll have a beer.
(La) La, la, la, la, la, la, beer!
(Ti) Tea, no thanks, I'll have a beer.